Farewell to Summer

Goodbye Summer. How I will weep for you. I still can't believe it is ending so soon. Well, I love Halloween - so, in a way I still feel happiness regardless of the time of year. I can't deny that Summer is my favorite though. I need to decide something: What am I going to do this Halloween? Since my Summer was a little drab and [short], I think this year's Halloween should be good. I rather adore Samhain =D

I have a list already made up of movies that I should watch to make my autumn nights a little more "chilly" >:-D Here is a list of some of the scariest movies I've watched:

1. Psycho (1960)
2. The Changeling (1980)
3. The Ring (2002)
4. The Orphanage
5. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)
6. The Innocents (1961)
7. The Devil's Backbone (2001)
8. The Haunting (1963)
9. Pulse (Kairo) (2001)
10. The Grudge

By the way ~ Master of Horror: Alfred Hitchcock & Guillermo Del Toro

I'm Still Alive!

I am still very much alive, but with little to report. I have been spending my time with the few friends that I have, my family, reading books & school. I am really enjoying the new Fall Semester and I have discovered the will and motivation within myself to do an outstanding job with my grades and my work. This is my plan and what I want to do the rest of this year. I have a 3.0 and it will only get better this semester :D

Well, I have not been on a single date in the last few months. It's gotten ridiculous, although I haven't looked for a date in months, I am having so many financial problems because financial aid is not being reliable. In fact, there is still LAST semester's financial aid to receive. . .how ridiculous is THAT?

I would LOVE to report more, but I have not looked at this blog in a month or so and I wanted to make a post: For all who many be interested (if there are any yet) - I have not abandoned my blog.

:)

Men Scare Me.

So. . . .I have realized, due to some further observation and testing, that I am utterly not ready for a relationship, nor am I in any comfortable position to date a man/guy/boy. Why? I ask myself. I don't know. Perhaps because I am still in a personal search for my own enlightenment and growth. How am I to feel capable or to claim even the slightest bit of adoration for someone, when I know I have yet to claim that for myself? Perhaps, this is simply because I was going through the process of "mourning" from my previous relationship and I interrupted my progress when I got committed again with my ex. Or, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship due to many different things.

Honestly, I wish I understood this more. .

Like White On Rice.

This is interesting. I decided to do a little test. I posted an ad on a personal's website and within an hour of that post I received 10 replies all from guys trying to take me out. Here are the results:

- A guy named Ricardo who lives very close to my town "I have a good sense of humor and am a good listener."
-Someone named Jeff who lives about 45 min. away "I'm a pretty normal guy and somewhat of a geek"
- A guy named Paul, didn't disclose his location "im a little insecure right now"
- Andy, user name "Optimus Prime" (seriously?), didn't disclose age or location "looking to enjoy my summer and meet new friends"
- John, "Please call me -"
- Rod, 26, very near to my town "this date would be on me of course. ;-)"
- Matt, 35, "would you be intersted?" although he includes no information about himself. .
- Anonymous from my area "Hope to hear back"
- Anonymous, "I'm nice looking, in good shape, clean and disease free"
- Anonymous guy, "tall, attractive, older male, who gets along very well with younger people!" (Wow, I feel like I could be his granddaughter)

I wasn't able to find pictures on any of their emails, but a few. Physically, they're not what I'm looking for, not that I even felt I was going anywhere with this. I was testing the waters - seeing if anyone would respond. What mystifies me the most is that these guys don't even know what I look like & yet they jump on the "non-serious" status like white on rice. What if I was a chubby 28 year old with two kids? Would they be so interested still? Or do most guys just take what they can get? Am I generalizing?

Either way, I'm happy to know that I am learning new things and that I can get a date with a nice fellow if I decide to get out there ;-)

Still "Bi-curious"

OOookkkayy! I'm going to do it! I think I have decided that I want to date a guy. My curiosity for girls and getting to know them (not to mention dealing with all the drama and games involved) can only last so long. I still want to figure out where I stand on sexuality, but for now I just want a few dates with a cute guy ;-D Is that shallow? No, because that is just what I want right now for this moment. That's okay because I have never done this before. This is the first time I have dated anyone without the intention of a serious romantic relationship.

Any questions..?

It's A New Day ~

Hello all, whom it may concern. A lot has changed within the past few days! I'm so excited because I'm learning a lot about myself, even though it is not all positive things, but I'm beginning to grow and come out of my slump where I felt "stuck".

I decided that I wasn't going to waste anymore energy on someone, who obviously is much more interested in herself, trying to make her a true friend. If I can't rely on her than that's all there is to say. I adore her and I sincerely hope that we will always know each other and grow from one another, but there are needs that I have that I simply don't see her fulfilling. That may have sounded utterly inappropriate, but really what I mean is that some of the things that I expect from a friend - she doesn't supply. I posted an ad online and I've gotten some responses. I even went to the Steve Miller concert on Saturday. It was fantastic! I wasn't even aware that I liked Steve Miller so much before this concert. He's an activist!

So, this girl that I met is great. We have quite a bit in common and she's fun to talk with. I'm manifesting a friend for myself and I don't know if this is the one that I'm looking for, but time will tell when it's right ;-]

A Summer Disappointment

Man. I have been a little isolated for the past week or so due to some health issues that arose. I haven't been able to get out and go jogging or go swimming, which I find to be very enjoyable during the summer weather.

Now that I'm out of my slump I'm so looking forward to what I might do this Summer, after all, I've been manifesting that this will be a great Summer. So, for the past few months my friend and I have been planning to get together with another friend of mine and go to the Lake and have a BBQ and swim. I was especially excited because it wasn't just going to be the three of us, she was also going to bring her brother and her brother's boyfriend (they're both really cool). It's very hard for her to make a solid plan and because of that it's been taking a while to sit her down and talk about what we can do. The more that I've gotten her to talk with me about it the more that it sounds like she's not even going to go. I don't understand why. When we first talked about it - she was all for it and she seemed really excited and that made me so thrilled! Then she told me, which she hadn't mentioned before when I told her that I wanted her brother to come, that she wouldn't feel comfortable, nor would she attend if her brother was. I was confused. Tonight we went to the park and practiced some yoga and meditation and I was able to talk with her about it. She seemed to be a little unsure at first, but then she made it clear to me that she doesn't even "do" what I have been wanting us all to do. HOw could she not just tell me that before? Why didn't she? She doesn't "mix" friends and she refuses to go with her brother.

I had this dream for the summer...to gather with a small group of people that I really adore and just have fun at the Lake! Now, I'm thinking that it wont even happen. . . If it does it wont be the same without her.

I Figured It Out!!

So, I finally understand what has created so much frustration from the dating scene: Women are shallow! I'm generalizing, obviously, but I'm 100% sure that this is why I have not been getting responses. It's disgusting that all these girls think that they're fooling me. At this point, I have heard all the excuses! I'm not dealing with that anymore. I've decided that this is my life and I know what I want out of this experience. Why play around and try to be honest with people that aren't opening their minds enough to consider my feelings? I'm no liar, but if I'm going to continue playing this dating game I've got to play it right.

This may not sound ethical to some people, but it makes perfect sense to learn how to do it from all this experience. I'm still not quite "back" in the dating world, because I haven't seen someone in a few weeks, but I do plan on getting back out there within the next week or so.

Just for a laugh, here are some of the excuses that I've heard in the past:
-"I met someone and I connect with her better than with you"
-"I'm in Texas!"
-"Work is so crazy right now!"
-"I had strep throat for a week and couldn't answer my phone!"
-"Oh, my internet has been out!"
-"I'm visiting with my family. I'm sorry I haven't seen them in so long"
-"I'm moving"
-"I have no time!" & "Life is so busy right now" etc. etc.

A Question On Love

As I have taken such a drastic step back from being involved in romantic relationships I have began to really wonder about something:

How is it possible to truly love someone completely and without fault? Sure, in relationships, you gain your companion's trust and respect is earned, but is that true love? How can one person establish such a true relationship with another? How do you love someone for everything that they do and "are" as well as what they bring into the relationship? What makes a true love relationship any different from a common everyday relationship, such as a Mother, Father, or even an acquaintance? Why can't we, as human beings, share more of our love with everyone, instead of just that one person whom we consider to be a "soul mate"? This is not to say that I am speaking of polygamy (not that there is anything wrong with polygamy), by any means, but I am talking about all kinds of love for everyone. Yes, everyone. Is it possible that this true love is really a focus for all of that love that every human being has for everyone, unknowingly? There's a big part of me that doesn't want to love someone more than anyone else, even at 13 I never thought that idea was very fair.

The question is: how would I gain that balance, but still find that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with?

. . What?

What is going on? I met a girl that is very obviously interested in me & we've been seeing each other for a few months now. Suddenly, after one hell of a great night, I forget me I.D. at her house. When I realized that I had forgotten it, I almost thought nothing of it because I was sure I had nothing to worry about. Then, I found myself calling her for weeks with no response. Even leaving messages to let her know that I had forgotten it. Finally, she gets back to me with this bullshit story that I can't possibly believe, but I figure I really like her so I'll give her another shot anyway. I was curious to see where it would lead. We went out twice after this incident and I felt that everything (whatever had occurred) was going back to normal. She made no mention of feeling uncomfortable or angry with me. This is precisely why I am so confused because her calls have ceased (even though she told me she would call about a week ago) & she no longer responds to my messages: What could I have possibly done to make her angry with me? She always seems very enthusiastic to see me and spend time with me, not to mention her very flirty demeanor ;) I don't understand what it is that's bothering her. I don't know her very well, but it seems to me like she is the type to speak her mind. Why wouldn't she just tell me..instead of making empty promises?

I'm beginning to feel as though I am very tired of dating females. To be honest, the more time I spend with females the more I long for a male -_- Is that just what I am comfortable with? Is the obvious annoyances of female drama extracting me away from the desire of further exploration? Everyone has a different experience with females and males - this is because we are all different people and we meet different people...but obviously something is not fitting with my experience. Every girl that I have enjoyed seeing didn't seem to have the desire to continue seeing me. It was always different with guys...every guy that I enjoyed spending time with I spent more time with. There were no games (not usually).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the dates that I have been on & if I could find someone to date consistently, I would be ever more interested to meet her, but for now I'm beginning to lose hope of that happening (again?). I didn't really accomplish some of the things that I was looking for, which is why I'm a bit disappointed. I was hoping to: connect with someone intimately (not necessarily "romantically" which comes with the feelings and all), really get to know some people, spend time and have fun, find romance and test some of my boundaries which may, or may not be, creating a "comfort bubble".

Well, at the least, for now I have accomplished one or two of the above :)

I don't think I want to date guys though. Even after all this trouble, I still think I'm not comfortable with dating males just yet. I miss being romantic with a male by all means! I want a male in my life more than ever now, but I don't want to be serious with anyone right now and dating a male would threaten that wish, I'm sure of that.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have had so much going on with classes that started up this Monday and having appointment after appointment and all these dates planned. Unfortunately, so far, only Shannon has pulled through with our plans. I have been swimming and spending time with friends as well, when I have the time. A few of my other dates didn't come through, but I'm not sure if I trust that they're genuinely busy. I'll see tomorrow because I have two dates planned after school.

So, I have been on two dates with Shannon in the past two weeks. It has been a blast! The first date was a little iffy for me because I wasn't sure if she was doing this out of obligation or simply because she had planned to. We watched 'Splice' & it was so much better than I imagined. It's not really a horror film like it is portrayed to be. I thought it was really good with a solid story line regardless that some pieces were predictable. The whole time she seemed to be warmed up to me and I was glad that my anxieties were beginning to fade. Afterward, it was getting late so she took me home.

Yesterday, she took me swimming with a friend of her's after we had a "healthy" dinner of pizza. Really, I don't like pizza, but it can be good sometimes and this time it was a nice surprise. I figured that I have been doing some good work with my body and eating quite healthy so maybe it wouldn't be totally detrimental. After going swimming, which was very fun (although I was pretty disappointed that her friend was so flaky going back and forth from her phone to the floaty and not really swimming), but Shannon kept me pleased and entertained. Then she drove us out to the really nice theater to see 'Grown Ups'. It was packed! People were lining up everywhere to wait for the premier showing of the new Twilight addition - it was ridiculous! It's very very very disappointing to barely have the capacity to read a book series that has been so overly-hyped to find that it's the most horrible thing that you've ever struggled to lay eyes on. Yet half of the American population eats it up like candy-coated brownies and feeds the conformity machine of a true pre-teen author's nightmare!!! Seriously? Can we cut the crap already?? Anyway, 'Grown Ups' was soooo fun to watch and it kept both of us laughing the whole way! Quite the Summer comedy movie treat! :D

By the time the movie was over I was feeling very drained and she took me home. I really enjoyed spending time with her yesterday. Don't get me wrong, she's a funny, enthusiastic and lighthearted girl, but I'm beginning to wonder if I spend time with her for the right reasons. To be honest, much of the time that we have alone, I feel rather uncomfortable with. Yes, I am dating to find my sexual preference, to have fun and to find romance, but do I enjoy her as a person? I definitely do...but if I enjoy her enough is the question. That may sound messed up, but that is how I feel. I'm not sure if this is me (I know it's not her - she's an all time down for anything, fun-loving girl) or if I would feel more comfortable around someone else.. Maybe she's too fun?? Sometimes, I feel like we don't have enough in common and there tends to be a lack of conversation because I don't know what to talk about. She was supposed to call me back today to fill me in about our up-coming plans, but so far she hasn't. I do hope that she gets back to me and here's to hoping that we'll have a crazy fun summer experience together! :D

Dates From Months Back. .

I've had a "so-so" day. I have felt very tired today and my date canceled...again. She seemed very genuinely sorry and she had a good reason for the delay, so I'm giving her another shot. We've scheduled to meet again this coming week. If she lets me down again, I just might tell her to "hit the road". I'm here to date, not play games and be led on and on. I want to talk about more of my dates that I've had. My second date took place a day after the first. This happened a few months ago, so I have had several since then :

Waiting for this girl who was, apparently, very busy was worth the wait! She was a fun and entertaining date! She picked me up at my place and then we went out for sushi. We talked a lot and we were very quickly into deep discussion about her family, relationship experiences, spiritual views, her son and past with drug use. She spoke with me about things that I would have considered too personal or painful, but she never batted an eye about any of it. I told her about myself, but I think she dominated the conversation - which is okay with me. This girl was gorgeous, great at communicating herself and she prayed with me before the meal. What more could I ask for on a first date? It was wonderful. Unfortunately, we never kissed, but I wanted to. I had the hopeful desire that we would go out again and I would get my chance then. If I could I would date her again, but it has recently come to my attention that she's, most likely, no longer interested in me.

My third date came almost two weeks later. I was very excited to be meeting someone who was so cheerful and lighthearted in nature. She talked an earful when I was on the phone with her, but I was still very interested in meeting her. She is so beautiful! She's a little bit shorter than me, which I don't mind at all, and she has gorgeous long red curly hair! I was super thrilled. I ♥ red hair. She took me to the river and we had a romantic picnic there by the water and had some healthy snacks. It was so wonderful. I took pictures of the geese and ducks that were swimming and interacting and we talked about random things. We must have been there for about 3-4 hours. We hopped around on the rocks and talked about our experiences. While, at first, I wasn't ready to get physically intimate, I did have the desire to see what it would be like to kiss her. I was so new to kissing girls again that I didn't know how to make the first move! I was disappointed in myself when she dropped me off and I never took that opportunity to give her a kiss goodbye. On the next date with her I did though :)

This is the girl that I thought had betrayed me, for reasons unknown, and while I still feel very iffy and uncertain - I want to continue seeing her. We have plans to see a movie tomorrow and 'tis hoping we get this all behind us so I can see where this goes.

My First Date ~

My date canceled our plans, but it's alright because we made new ones for later this week. I went swimming with a few buddies & then I came home and watched movies with a good friend of mine. So, it was actually a good day, regardless that some plans were canceled.

~
I didn't realize that I was "bi-curious" until a year ago when I started dating a bisexual guy. I found out, from his myspace page and, being the very curious and open-minded individual that I am, I asked him about it. I was very pleased to have met someone who could speak to me about their feelings for both genders, considering that I have always been curious about the idea. I was able to talk, openly, with him about other males & females. It was absolutely fascinating to me. So, I suppose, it was during that time when I came to realize that, I too, have always had an attraction to the same sex as well as the opposite sex. Needless to say, almost a year later I broke off our relationship due to personal reasons, but we are still great friends. After this break-up I discovered my desire to experiment and learn more about the attraction that I have for women. I want to stay out of a relationship while I work on myself, but until the time comes when I am truly ready to be with someone, I have decided to date females. I have not been dating males simply because I don't want to fall in love & I'm not ready to.

I never thought that dating females would be as frustrating as it has turned out to be. Every girl that I talked to, via an online dating website, seemed very flaky. To be fair, 75% of the people I messaged didn't even get back to me & those that did made it so difficult for me to talk with them that I only met a small handful of those individuals. With men, I would have been getting dates left and right & I don't say that out of arrogance. I say that out of experience. It took me a month or so to get my first date. Finally, when I did get a date she had been the one who emailed me. She blatantly asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee/tea sometime and I was excited that someone was asking me out! Before this, I had plans with another girl, but she was so busy that the plans were a ways in advance. I wanted a date for the meantime and I got myself one.

She had a strange name and I suspected that it wasn't her real one. On the phone, she wasn't as friendly as she was on the site and she seemed very awkward. We went to a small cafe here in town and she bought me a tall iced mocha. We made small talk and I learned a little bit about her. It was probably on this first date, sitting at a small table in tiny chairs, with a female who was half my size was when I realized that I have not been comfortable in my own body for a while. Regardless, I managed to feel more confident about myself than the vibes that I was picking up from her. She seemed so unsure of herself and very awkward somehow.

I made her laugh a few times, but mainly, it seemed that I was breaking her out of her reservations little inch by little inch. I couldn't understand how she could possibly behave so hesitantly and awkward when she had asked me out. There wasn't a lot of interest between the two of us at all - in fact, I knew that I would never hear from her again. I had come to the conclusion, by the end of it, that I was just glad to have had the experience regardless of what form it was going to come in.

News and ☀ Summer Things..

I have great news! I was finally able to "recover" my California I.D. a few days ago. About a 1/2 an hour after my date on Tuesday she called! The next morning she came by and gave it to me. We talked for about twenty minutes (well, she talked mostly) and then she left to get to work, but we made plans to see each other this coming week. I told her to call me, so I'm actually hoping that she does because I would like to see where this can go. I'm interested to know if she really wants to continue seeing me. She seemed to be, but I can't be sure because her story has so many holes. She doesn't "owe" me anything, but at the same time, if she wants me to trust her she will have to earn that back. I would like to feel like I trust her again, but frankly, I can't help but feel a little bit like that companionship that we had was ruined, if not over altogether. I'll just have to find out ;)

I do have plans with Holly, the woman I went out with on Tuesday night. We're going swimming! I absolutely love Summer ~ I'm crazy about it, so these are perfect plans. We are still chatting here and there on the phone, so I'm positive that she is still interested ♥ it's so liberating to meet another person that wants to spend time with me. That may sound like I'm being insecure (and maybe I am a little), but it's been so rough just getting a date with a female that it's fantastic to see someone more consistently.

I have decided to decorate my room so that it feels more personal. I have started cleaning it yesterday and I still have work to do on it, but it's coming along. I want to buy those cute strings of Chinese paper lantern lights. I love those! I also want to put up more small wall shelves for candles, pretty stickers for the wall (although stickers are a mess when trying to get them off) etc. I want to buy more posters that interest me as well, but those are hard to find. I'm going on and on, I know, but this is a transition that I am making because I want to grow more in touch with my "feminine" material side. I need a balance of both spiritual and material & dating women has actually helped me to do that.

I also made a playlist of Summer songs & a list of Summer movies that I've been working on watching.

Music:
Cruel Summer by Ace of Base
Missing You by Black Eyed Peas
Stir It Up by Bob Marley
Sea of Love by Cat Power
Daylight by Chicane
Beautiful by Garbage
Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
& Others

Movies:
The In Crowd
The Sandlot
8 Days a Week
Blue Crush
Crazy/Beautiful
That Night
Adventureland
Kill Bill
A Knight's Tale
& Others

I've been having fun watching these movies and listening to my Summer music playlist. Well, for now, that's all I have to say.

☮ -&- ♥

This is Manifesting!

Craziness. Wow. What a wonderful feeling. So, I have had a lot of lessons to learn within the past few days and I'm so super duper excited right now because I just had a very successful date with a woman who is 33 & I like her a lot. I'm so happy to have met her because it's very easy to talk with her and she's exactly what I'm looking for in terms of a dating companion. She may be 33, but I feel like as far as maturity level goes we are so similar. I might be wrong, but I trust enough to go forward and see what happens. This is where it get's fun because we just had our first date and we're making plans to see each other this coming week! Tonight, we went to grab some coffee & tea and then we walked to the park and relaxed near the grass and talked. I learned a bit about her and I like what I'm hearing from her! I'm so delighted to have met someone that I can spend time with and get to know while I am going through these lessons, especially because I have learned so much about myself since I have started dating women! She even kissed me! At first, I was taken aback because she asked me if she could give me a kiss and I didn't expect that! I said yes and I was happy to, but I felt so unprepared that I feel kind of bad that the moment was a little awkward. I'll get it next time around!


Shannon, the girl that went "M.I.A.", finally called me back!! I was so relieved to finally hear from her. She was, apparently, sick for an entire week and couldn't speak due to strep throat. Well, I had been struggling for longer than a week to get in touch, but I accepted her explanation and didn't question her too much. I still don't feel like I trust her too much, however, I am willing to give it another shot. She seems very sorry and she apologized about the misunderstanding -if that is what it was - and she acted like she truly wants to see me again. So, that being said I'm happy that I'm getting my I.D. back and it's a plus if our friendship grows from this point on. If I feel like she's not communicating herself enough or something is not going quite right than I'll confront her about it and that will be that. Just to get an explanation, for her to return my calls and to be getting my I.D. back is just a relief and total bonus in and of itself. I feel incredibly good!

This is what it's like to manifest your life. I asked for what I wanted, I worked to get it and now, I have it!

☮ -&- ♥

The Social Experiment

Okay. This may seem completely unethical on my part, but I did something that I don't plan on doing again. I created a fake male profile on the dating website that I use because I wanted to get some answers to some of the questions that I had: is it just as difficult for males to talk to females, as it is for me? I consider myself to be attractive, so I chose an attractive guy, not one who would be considered super super hot. Wow, I actually said that.

As a male, girls treat me differently. I messaged the same people that weren't talking with me and some that were and I got different responses. I'm still being ignored by a lot of females that I've messaged, which may lead me to assume that most females are very picky, but I also get a bigger more immediate response from those said few who are responding. Some of those that didn't respond to me when I was being myself, responded to "him". I can't help but wonder if most of the girls that are responding to me as a male are just more friendly than those that haven't responded at all. I mean, could it be possible that they're not messaging me more frequently because "I'm male", but simply because they feel like it? At the very least, I discovered that there is a lot more to this than I thought and I learned more about some of those that were ignoring me. Particularly, there is one girl that made plans with me, but has not responded about her "schedule". I messaged her as a guy and she told me/"him" that she always has free time. Not to mention that she likes males more. I've asked a few girls about this and, so far, I have received very generic bisexual responses: "50%-50%", "I don't have a favorite", "I like both", "It all depends", etc. This has been the social experiment and, I must say, I feel like I have accomplished a bit more than I expected. I am still very dissatisfied that there are so many girls that do not respond at all, but at least I can say that I learned from doing this :) I plan to delete this profile very soon. Now, I see how generalized this experiment was because it all depends on the person. Who's to say that some males aren't like this and a lot of females aren't like this? Everything depends on the meticulous, small and insignificant points of that person's dominant characteristics. I can't be that one-sided.

On the positive side, I have a date with someone tomorrow and I'm really excited about it. The instant we began talking I immediately liked her a lot. She gives off a very "feminine" (whatever that means, right?) and pleasant energy. I haven't been on a date in a few weeks, so this will be fun.

I filed a police report against the girl that stole my I.D. It's been almost a month and I'm thinking this is not cool. There is no excuse for this behavior. Hopefully, the police will deal with the entire situation because I have no idea how to handle it other than this. I don't even have transportation to get to her apartment. If I did I would have already tried that. So, I can safely say that I have learned from this experience and I will never ever hand over my I.D. to anyone that I don't know closely. Especially someone I'm dating. The more experiences I have, it seems the less trusting I become of people. I am cautious a lot of the time, but I'm not super careful when it comes to these things and I should be. I understand that.

I'm growing tired of the online game. For the past few weeks I've been "living" a lot more than I have in a while. Summer is here and I want to be actively participating in this life of mine. I don't want to deal with the bullshit of talking to people who give a shit less about me. What time have I for that?

Frustration

I feel like I have completely lost all faith in dating websites. That may sound silly to someone who has had a lot of experience with this or someone who has already figured this out, but I'm beginning to feel this way. Why are females so fake? Is it so difficult or unbearable to be honest? Why does every girl I speak to shy away with the least bit of frankness?

With men, it was soo much easier starting conversations and getting to know them. They seem much more easy going and simple-minded. Always without the meticulous complexities that I have found in females. What's the deal? Do guys have this same problem when it comes to dating females? Should it really be this frustrating?

For the past 2 months I have been on several dates with quite a few girls, but now there's nothing. It's like I'm suddenly completely unappealing to every girl that crosses my path (or in this case, profile). I feel like a phony whenever I send someone an online message because it seems to me like I can't simply say what I'm thinking without making an idiot out of myself. I have to be casual and a little misleading. I don't lie by any means, but to put it frankly, I don't think I can be completely straightforward without scaring everyone away.

Although this has caused me much discomfort and irritation, this is something that I still want to do. That is: encounter romance with a female, even though it wont be serious involvement. Share feelings with that person and discover the differences between female and male communication. Answer questions that I have: could I fall in love with a female just as easily as with a male? Or is the only attraction I have to females of a physical nature?

Well, I'm beginning to see just how annoying all this has become, so I think it's safe to say that I'm taking some time to not worry about it. I will probably come back soon to update my blog on a few of the dates that I've been on. Till then -

Peace ☮

Reasons

Perhaps I have it wrong, but I don't recall ever giving credit to why I have started this blog in the first place. I don't know if anybody cares enough about my experiences to read this, but I will explain anyway:

I started writing a blog because I thought this could really help me through a challenging point in my life. I don't have it all that bad, to be honest, but I'm always learning something new and things happen everyday. Since I began dating females, it inspired me to put my thoughts and experiences into words so that others can see what it's like. Maybe someone, somewhere understands the frustration that I'm going through with it and care enough to explain to me what I'm doing wrong. More than anything, it always helps to rant..even though some people don't like reading a whiny blog that someone whips up for their own sense of self satisfaction.

I have been talking with God only knows how many girls, yet not a single woman has arose. It's terribly disappointing that nothing has been consistent in my dating life. I had one sustaining date, but she stop calling and picking up the phone for reasons I can't explain. Should I just stop looking for a while? What I want from a "dating companion", so to speak, is someone to talk to and get to know, someone to debate with, someone who wants to randomly take drives to go sight seeing, or go to the movies, go swimming or just make drinks at home, someone to kiss and hold hands in the park with..nothing serious, but always romantic and willing to communicate her feelings with me. Is that a hard thing to find? I hope not.

I have come to realize that everyone is looking for something in their life. Whether that be a friend, a lover, a husband, a boyfriend, a "dating companion", or a threesome - I'm starting to think that humans are never satisfied. I mean, I am perfectly content with my life. I find happiness and joy in doing simple things like laughing with friends, taking baths, going for walks, swimming and getting sun burned, reading, writing and watching movies. I am not a particularly difficult person to please, but at the same time I am human and I do find myself aspiring for things just like everyone else.

It may sound selfish to some people, but I want to learn more about myself and I would like to have someone help me do that ~

M.I.A & Flaking - A Girl Drama.

It's been 11 days since I have heard from Shannon, the girl that I have been seeing consistently. We had plans to go dancing at her friend's DJ Mix party last Saturday, but she never called. I'm terribly disappointed with her behavior. I have called her numerous times, at first making excuses for her that she might be busy, at work, or unable to answer the phone, but if there's been one thing that I've learned about her so far it's been that she was always able to get back to me, even when she was at work. I don't understand what I did wrong. At first, I was really hurt that she was avoiding me, now I'm just very disappointed and a little angry. I did nothing wrong to deserve this treatment, so why then must I endure it?? I, at least, thought she would have the balls to pick up the phone and be honest with me about what she was feeling. Now she's just a coward.

To make matters worse, I forgot to get my California I.D back from her before heading home the last time I saw her. She was holding it for me when we were at the bar and I was so wasted I didn't think much about it. I realize I can always go get another one, but it makes me angry to think that I should allow myself to be treated like this, especially by someone who has something of mine. It's not fair.

I thought she was someone I could trust. I never thought that she would do this to me. Regardless of the fact that both of us were not interested in something serious, I still considered her to be a friend. What I can say now is that I did learn a lot from this experience. It's not worth trusting someone you don't know until you're sure about their intentions and the way they might react. It's within your best interests to simply be cautious, but not too suspicious. At this point, whatever excuse she may have I wouldn't accept from her, although I would forgive. All I expect is an apology and the I.D back. I would not have any plans to go out with her again even if she DID come up with a good excuse. I'm no sucker and if she doesn't have any plans to return my calls and let me know what's going on with her than she doesn't deserve anyone in her life until she's capable of that.

Test

I did a little experiment yesterday and it revealed to me something that I had been wondering for the last few months.

On the dating website that I use, I instant messaged a few girls that were online. I messaged three girls, all of whom didn't say a word to me, although one did stop to look at my profile. After realizing that they weren't going to be getting back to me, I switched my "online view" to males and sent a message to three of the first ones that I saw. Every single one of them replied even though my profile states that I'm gay. Isn't that fascinating? Why the fear? I think I've discovered that, while I don't want a relationship at this time and I want to date women, it is much easier to date males. Why is that?

I don't understand it. It may not be easy, but it's not something that I'm not going to give up on just yet ;)

Here Goes Nothing. .

To start off with my experiences with this fragile matter, I would like to say that, as a woman, dating females is the most frustrating thing I have ever done.

This isn't because I feel the need to insist upon sexual stereotypes of any kind - I, for one, know those are not useful - but the reason for this is because it appears to be that most females that I contact and get in touch with online are very closed down. There is so much more meticulousness and caution involved in just talking with a female. In talking with males, I was never that cautious. It seemed much easier and more care free than starting conversation with females. I must say now that I have always enjoyed being female. I have not always felt "feminine", but I am not "butch" or a "dike". I always struggled in feeling like I belonged when glancing at other girls my age. Since that time, I have created a more individualized person out of myself and I am more social, but I am still quite unsure of my feminine side. This has made it very difficult for me to be involved with other females because, sometimes, I can't relate with them.

So far, I have been on 9 or 10 dates and I have met 6 girls. I started this "quest", if you will, a few months ago on a few reliable dating websites. For me, the dates have all been an enjoyable experience for me and I have learned a lot along the way. However, I have only met one girl that I have seen more consistently and we both like each other a lot. We are both exactly what we need in a "dating companion" and it's been great having fun together.

Perhaps the reason why I have not met many girls is because I am not interested in sex. I have encountered so many people online that are looking to have sex with other women, most interested in involving their man - it's ridiculous! I am not of that "kind". The only way that I feel comfortable in having sex with someone is if I am in love and care deeply for that person. If this is not why, than my only other idea is that I am unattractive. There, I said it. It comes out. Am I attractive enough?? I feel that I am plenty attractive. I know that I am beautiful, regardless that I have some work to do on my body. How attractive must I be to simply go on a date with someone? Are females that picky? I've dated, and would not mind dating more, girls that I have not found very attractive. I am more in this journey to learn more about myself and to experience what life has to offer me. I don't play games and I don't lead anyone on. I'm starting to think maybe that is what is scaring girls away.. nobody wants to hear it all out up front. Some people like to test others and play games. That is not what I am about. Do I scare females?