I Figured It Out!!

So, I finally understand what has created so much frustration from the dating scene: Women are shallow! I'm generalizing, obviously, but I'm 100% sure that this is why I have not been getting responses. It's disgusting that all these girls think that they're fooling me. At this point, I have heard all the excuses! I'm not dealing with that anymore. I've decided that this is my life and I know what I want out of this experience. Why play around and try to be honest with people that aren't opening their minds enough to consider my feelings? I'm no liar, but if I'm going to continue playing this dating game I've got to play it right.

This may not sound ethical to some people, but it makes perfect sense to learn how to do it from all this experience. I'm still not quite "back" in the dating world, because I haven't seen someone in a few weeks, but I do plan on getting back out there within the next week or so.

Just for a laugh, here are some of the excuses that I've heard in the past:
-"I met someone and I connect with her better than with you"
-"I'm in Texas!"
-"Work is so crazy right now!"
-"I had strep throat for a week and couldn't answer my phone!"
-"Oh, my internet has been out!"
-"I'm visiting with my family. I'm sorry I haven't seen them in so long"
-"I'm moving"
-"I have no time!" & "Life is so busy right now" etc. etc.

A Question On Love

As I have taken such a drastic step back from being involved in romantic relationships I have began to really wonder about something:

How is it possible to truly love someone completely and without fault? Sure, in relationships, you gain your companion's trust and respect is earned, but is that true love? How can one person establish such a true relationship with another? How do you love someone for everything that they do and "are" as well as what they bring into the relationship? What makes a true love relationship any different from a common everyday relationship, such as a Mother, Father, or even an acquaintance? Why can't we, as human beings, share more of our love with everyone, instead of just that one person whom we consider to be a "soul mate"? This is not to say that I am speaking of polygamy (not that there is anything wrong with polygamy), by any means, but I am talking about all kinds of love for everyone. Yes, everyone. Is it possible that this true love is really a focus for all of that love that every human being has for everyone, unknowingly? There's a big part of me that doesn't want to love someone more than anyone else, even at 13 I never thought that idea was very fair.

The question is: how would I gain that balance, but still find that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with?

. . What?

What is going on? I met a girl that is very obviously interested in me & we've been seeing each other for a few months now. Suddenly, after one hell of a great night, I forget me I.D. at her house. When I realized that I had forgotten it, I almost thought nothing of it because I was sure I had nothing to worry about. Then, I found myself calling her for weeks with no response. Even leaving messages to let her know that I had forgotten it. Finally, she gets back to me with this bullshit story that I can't possibly believe, but I figure I really like her so I'll give her another shot anyway. I was curious to see where it would lead. We went out twice after this incident and I felt that everything (whatever had occurred) was going back to normal. She made no mention of feeling uncomfortable or angry with me. This is precisely why I am so confused because her calls have ceased (even though she told me she would call about a week ago) & she no longer responds to my messages: What could I have possibly done to make her angry with me? She always seems very enthusiastic to see me and spend time with me, not to mention her very flirty demeanor ;) I don't understand what it is that's bothering her. I don't know her very well, but it seems to me like she is the type to speak her mind. Why wouldn't she just tell me..instead of making empty promises?

I'm beginning to feel as though I am very tired of dating females. To be honest, the more time I spend with females the more I long for a male -_- Is that just what I am comfortable with? Is the obvious annoyances of female drama extracting me away from the desire of further exploration? Everyone has a different experience with females and males - this is because we are all different people and we meet different people...but obviously something is not fitting with my experience. Every girl that I have enjoyed seeing didn't seem to have the desire to continue seeing me. It was always different with guys...every guy that I enjoyed spending time with I spent more time with. There were no games (not usually).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the dates that I have been on & if I could find someone to date consistently, I would be ever more interested to meet her, but for now I'm beginning to lose hope of that happening (again?). I didn't really accomplish some of the things that I was looking for, which is why I'm a bit disappointed. I was hoping to: connect with someone intimately (not necessarily "romantically" which comes with the feelings and all), really get to know some people, spend time and have fun, find romance and test some of my boundaries which may, or may not be, creating a "comfort bubble".

Well, at the least, for now I have accomplished one or two of the above :)

I don't think I want to date guys though. Even after all this trouble, I still think I'm not comfortable with dating males just yet. I miss being romantic with a male by all means! I want a male in my life more than ever now, but I don't want to be serious with anyone right now and dating a male would threaten that wish, I'm sure of that.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have had so much going on with classes that started up this Monday and having appointment after appointment and all these dates planned. Unfortunately, so far, only Shannon has pulled through with our plans. I have been swimming and spending time with friends as well, when I have the time. A few of my other dates didn't come through, but I'm not sure if I trust that they're genuinely busy. I'll see tomorrow because I have two dates planned after school.

So, I have been on two dates with Shannon in the past two weeks. It has been a blast! The first date was a little iffy for me because I wasn't sure if she was doing this out of obligation or simply because she had planned to. We watched 'Splice' & it was so much better than I imagined. It's not really a horror film like it is portrayed to be. I thought it was really good with a solid story line regardless that some pieces were predictable. The whole time she seemed to be warmed up to me and I was glad that my anxieties were beginning to fade. Afterward, it was getting late so she took me home.

Yesterday, she took me swimming with a friend of her's after we had a "healthy" dinner of pizza. Really, I don't like pizza, but it can be good sometimes and this time it was a nice surprise. I figured that I have been doing some good work with my body and eating quite healthy so maybe it wouldn't be totally detrimental. After going swimming, which was very fun (although I was pretty disappointed that her friend was so flaky going back and forth from her phone to the floaty and not really swimming), but Shannon kept me pleased and entertained. Then she drove us out to the really nice theater to see 'Grown Ups'. It was packed! People were lining up everywhere to wait for the premier showing of the new Twilight addition - it was ridiculous! It's very very very disappointing to barely have the capacity to read a book series that has been so overly-hyped to find that it's the most horrible thing that you've ever struggled to lay eyes on. Yet half of the American population eats it up like candy-coated brownies and feeds the conformity machine of a true pre-teen author's nightmare!!! Seriously? Can we cut the crap already?? Anyway, 'Grown Ups' was soooo fun to watch and it kept both of us laughing the whole way! Quite the Summer comedy movie treat! :D

By the time the movie was over I was feeling very drained and she took me home. I really enjoyed spending time with her yesterday. Don't get me wrong, she's a funny, enthusiastic and lighthearted girl, but I'm beginning to wonder if I spend time with her for the right reasons. To be honest, much of the time that we have alone, I feel rather uncomfortable with. Yes, I am dating to find my sexual preference, to have fun and to find romance, but do I enjoy her as a person? I definitely do...but if I enjoy her enough is the question. That may sound messed up, but that is how I feel. I'm not sure if this is me (I know it's not her - she's an all time down for anything, fun-loving girl) or if I would feel more comfortable around someone else.. Maybe she's too fun?? Sometimes, I feel like we don't have enough in common and there tends to be a lack of conversation because I don't know what to talk about. She was supposed to call me back today to fill me in about our up-coming plans, but so far she hasn't. I do hope that she gets back to me and here's to hoping that we'll have a crazy fun summer experience together! :D

Dates From Months Back. .

I've had a "so-so" day. I have felt very tired today and my date canceled...again. She seemed very genuinely sorry and she had a good reason for the delay, so I'm giving her another shot. We've scheduled to meet again this coming week. If she lets me down again, I just might tell her to "hit the road". I'm here to date, not play games and be led on and on. I want to talk about more of my dates that I've had. My second date took place a day after the first. This happened a few months ago, so I have had several since then :

Waiting for this girl who was, apparently, very busy was worth the wait! She was a fun and entertaining date! She picked me up at my place and then we went out for sushi. We talked a lot and we were very quickly into deep discussion about her family, relationship experiences, spiritual views, her son and past with drug use. She spoke with me about things that I would have considered too personal or painful, but she never batted an eye about any of it. I told her about myself, but I think she dominated the conversation - which is okay with me. This girl was gorgeous, great at communicating herself and she prayed with me before the meal. What more could I ask for on a first date? It was wonderful. Unfortunately, we never kissed, but I wanted to. I had the hopeful desire that we would go out again and I would get my chance then. If I could I would date her again, but it has recently come to my attention that she's, most likely, no longer interested in me.

My third date came almost two weeks later. I was very excited to be meeting someone who was so cheerful and lighthearted in nature. She talked an earful when I was on the phone with her, but I was still very interested in meeting her. She is so beautiful! She's a little bit shorter than me, which I don't mind at all, and she has gorgeous long red curly hair! I was super thrilled. I ♥ red hair. She took me to the river and we had a romantic picnic there by the water and had some healthy snacks. It was so wonderful. I took pictures of the geese and ducks that were swimming and interacting and we talked about random things. We must have been there for about 3-4 hours. We hopped around on the rocks and talked about our experiences. While, at first, I wasn't ready to get physically intimate, I did have the desire to see what it would be like to kiss her. I was so new to kissing girls again that I didn't know how to make the first move! I was disappointed in myself when she dropped me off and I never took that opportunity to give her a kiss goodbye. On the next date with her I did though :)

This is the girl that I thought had betrayed me, for reasons unknown, and while I still feel very iffy and uncertain - I want to continue seeing her. We have plans to see a movie tomorrow and 'tis hoping we get this all behind us so I can see where this goes.

My First Date ~

My date canceled our plans, but it's alright because we made new ones for later this week. I went swimming with a few buddies & then I came home and watched movies with a good friend of mine. So, it was actually a good day, regardless that some plans were canceled.

~
I didn't realize that I was "bi-curious" until a year ago when I started dating a bisexual guy. I found out, from his myspace page and, being the very curious and open-minded individual that I am, I asked him about it. I was very pleased to have met someone who could speak to me about their feelings for both genders, considering that I have always been curious about the idea. I was able to talk, openly, with him about other males & females. It was absolutely fascinating to me. So, I suppose, it was during that time when I came to realize that, I too, have always had an attraction to the same sex as well as the opposite sex. Needless to say, almost a year later I broke off our relationship due to personal reasons, but we are still great friends. After this break-up I discovered my desire to experiment and learn more about the attraction that I have for women. I want to stay out of a relationship while I work on myself, but until the time comes when I am truly ready to be with someone, I have decided to date females. I have not been dating males simply because I don't want to fall in love & I'm not ready to.

I never thought that dating females would be as frustrating as it has turned out to be. Every girl that I talked to, via an online dating website, seemed very flaky. To be fair, 75% of the people I messaged didn't even get back to me & those that did made it so difficult for me to talk with them that I only met a small handful of those individuals. With men, I would have been getting dates left and right & I don't say that out of arrogance. I say that out of experience. It took me a month or so to get my first date. Finally, when I did get a date she had been the one who emailed me. She blatantly asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee/tea sometime and I was excited that someone was asking me out! Before this, I had plans with another girl, but she was so busy that the plans were a ways in advance. I wanted a date for the meantime and I got myself one.

She had a strange name and I suspected that it wasn't her real one. On the phone, she wasn't as friendly as she was on the site and she seemed very awkward. We went to a small cafe here in town and she bought me a tall iced mocha. We made small talk and I learned a little bit about her. It was probably on this first date, sitting at a small table in tiny chairs, with a female who was half my size was when I realized that I have not been comfortable in my own body for a while. Regardless, I managed to feel more confident about myself than the vibes that I was picking up from her. She seemed so unsure of herself and very awkward somehow.

I made her laugh a few times, but mainly, it seemed that I was breaking her out of her reservations little inch by little inch. I couldn't understand how she could possibly behave so hesitantly and awkward when she had asked me out. There wasn't a lot of interest between the two of us at all - in fact, I knew that I would never hear from her again. I had come to the conclusion, by the end of it, that I was just glad to have had the experience regardless of what form it was going to come in.

Test

I did a little experiment yesterday and it revealed to me something that I had been wondering for the last few months.

On the dating website that I use, I instant messaged a few girls that were online. I messaged three girls, all of whom didn't say a word to me, although one did stop to look at my profile. After realizing that they weren't going to be getting back to me, I switched my "online view" to males and sent a message to three of the first ones that I saw. Every single one of them replied even though my profile states that I'm gay. Isn't that fascinating? Why the fear? I think I've discovered that, while I don't want a relationship at this time and I want to date women, it is much easier to date males. Why is that?

I don't understand it. It may not be easy, but it's not something that I'm not going to give up on just yet ;)

Here Goes Nothing. .

To start off with my experiences with this fragile matter, I would like to say that, as a woman, dating females is the most frustrating thing I have ever done.

This isn't because I feel the need to insist upon sexual stereotypes of any kind - I, for one, know those are not useful - but the reason for this is because it appears to be that most females that I contact and get in touch with online are very closed down. There is so much more meticulousness and caution involved in just talking with a female. In talking with males, I was never that cautious. It seemed much easier and more care free than starting conversation with females. I must say now that I have always enjoyed being female. I have not always felt "feminine", but I am not "butch" or a "dike". I always struggled in feeling like I belonged when glancing at other girls my age. Since that time, I have created a more individualized person out of myself and I am more social, but I am still quite unsure of my feminine side. This has made it very difficult for me to be involved with other females because, sometimes, I can't relate with them.

So far, I have been on 9 or 10 dates and I have met 6 girls. I started this "quest", if you will, a few months ago on a few reliable dating websites. For me, the dates have all been an enjoyable experience for me and I have learned a lot along the way. However, I have only met one girl that I have seen more consistently and we both like each other a lot. We are both exactly what we need in a "dating companion" and it's been great having fun together.

Perhaps the reason why I have not met many girls is because I am not interested in sex. I have encountered so many people online that are looking to have sex with other women, most interested in involving their man - it's ridiculous! I am not of that "kind". The only way that I feel comfortable in having sex with someone is if I am in love and care deeply for that person. If this is not why, than my only other idea is that I am unattractive. There, I said it. It comes out. Am I attractive enough?? I feel that I am plenty attractive. I know that I am beautiful, regardless that I have some work to do on my body. How attractive must I be to simply go on a date with someone? Are females that picky? I've dated, and would not mind dating more, girls that I have not found very attractive. I am more in this journey to learn more about myself and to experience what life has to offer me. I don't play games and I don't lead anyone on. I'm starting to think maybe that is what is scaring girls away.. nobody wants to hear it all out up front. Some people like to test others and play games. That is not what I am about. Do I scare females?