I'm Still Alive!

I am still very much alive, but with little to report. I have been spending my time with the few friends that I have, my family, reading books & school. I am really enjoying the new Fall Semester and I have discovered the will and motivation within myself to do an outstanding job with my grades and my work. This is my plan and what I want to do the rest of this year. I have a 3.0 and it will only get better this semester :D

Well, I have not been on a single date in the last few months. It's gotten ridiculous, although I haven't looked for a date in months, I am having so many financial problems because financial aid is not being reliable. In fact, there is still LAST semester's financial aid to receive. . .how ridiculous is THAT?

I would LOVE to report more, but I have not looked at this blog in a month or so and I wanted to make a post: For all who many be interested (if there are any yet) - I have not abandoned my blog.

:)

Men Scare Me.

So. . . .I have realized, due to some further observation and testing, that I am utterly not ready for a relationship, nor am I in any comfortable position to date a man/guy/boy. Why? I ask myself. I don't know. Perhaps because I am still in a personal search for my own enlightenment and growth. How am I to feel capable or to claim even the slightest bit of adoration for someone, when I know I have yet to claim that for myself? Perhaps, this is simply because I was going through the process of "mourning" from my previous relationship and I interrupted my progress when I got committed again with my ex. Or, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship due to many different things.

Honestly, I wish I understood this more. .

Like White On Rice.

This is interesting. I decided to do a little test. I posted an ad on a personal's website and within an hour of that post I received 10 replies all from guys trying to take me out. Here are the results:

- A guy named Ricardo who lives very close to my town "I have a good sense of humor and am a good listener."
-Someone named Jeff who lives about 45 min. away "I'm a pretty normal guy and somewhat of a geek"
- A guy named Paul, didn't disclose his location "im a little insecure right now"
- Andy, user name "Optimus Prime" (seriously?), didn't disclose age or location "looking to enjoy my summer and meet new friends"
- John, "Please call me -"
- Rod, 26, very near to my town "this date would be on me of course. ;-)"
- Matt, 35, "would you be intersted?" although he includes no information about himself. .
- Anonymous from my area "Hope to hear back"
- Anonymous, "I'm nice looking, in good shape, clean and disease free"
- Anonymous guy, "tall, attractive, older male, who gets along very well with younger people!" (Wow, I feel like I could be his granddaughter)

I wasn't able to find pictures on any of their emails, but a few. Physically, they're not what I'm looking for, not that I even felt I was going anywhere with this. I was testing the waters - seeing if anyone would respond. What mystifies me the most is that these guys don't even know what I look like & yet they jump on the "non-serious" status like white on rice. What if I was a chubby 28 year old with two kids? Would they be so interested still? Or do most guys just take what they can get? Am I generalizing?

Either way, I'm happy to know that I am learning new things and that I can get a date with a nice fellow if I decide to get out there ;-)

Still "Bi-curious"

OOookkkayy! I'm going to do it! I think I have decided that I want to date a guy. My curiosity for girls and getting to know them (not to mention dealing with all the drama and games involved) can only last so long. I still want to figure out where I stand on sexuality, but for now I just want a few dates with a cute guy ;-D Is that shallow? No, because that is just what I want right now for this moment. That's okay because I have never done this before. This is the first time I have dated anyone without the intention of a serious romantic relationship.

Any questions..?

News and ☀ Summer Things..

I have great news! I was finally able to "recover" my California I.D. a few days ago. About a 1/2 an hour after my date on Tuesday she called! The next morning she came by and gave it to me. We talked for about twenty minutes (well, she talked mostly) and then she left to get to work, but we made plans to see each other this coming week. I told her to call me, so I'm actually hoping that she does because I would like to see where this can go. I'm interested to know if she really wants to continue seeing me. She seemed to be, but I can't be sure because her story has so many holes. She doesn't "owe" me anything, but at the same time, if she wants me to trust her she will have to earn that back. I would like to feel like I trust her again, but frankly, I can't help but feel a little bit like that companionship that we had was ruined, if not over altogether. I'll just have to find out ;)

I do have plans with Holly, the woman I went out with on Tuesday night. We're going swimming! I absolutely love Summer ~ I'm crazy about it, so these are perfect plans. We are still chatting here and there on the phone, so I'm positive that she is still interested ♥ it's so liberating to meet another person that wants to spend time with me. That may sound like I'm being insecure (and maybe I am a little), but it's been so rough just getting a date with a female that it's fantastic to see someone more consistently.

I have decided to decorate my room so that it feels more personal. I have started cleaning it yesterday and I still have work to do on it, but it's coming along. I want to buy those cute strings of Chinese paper lantern lights. I love those! I also want to put up more small wall shelves for candles, pretty stickers for the wall (although stickers are a mess when trying to get them off) etc. I want to buy more posters that interest me as well, but those are hard to find. I'm going on and on, I know, but this is a transition that I am making because I want to grow more in touch with my "feminine" material side. I need a balance of both spiritual and material & dating women has actually helped me to do that.

I also made a playlist of Summer songs & a list of Summer movies that I've been working on watching.

Music:
Cruel Summer by Ace of Base
Missing You by Black Eyed Peas
Stir It Up by Bob Marley
Sea of Love by Cat Power
Daylight by Chicane
Beautiful by Garbage
Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
& Others

Movies:
The In Crowd
The Sandlot
8 Days a Week
Blue Crush
Crazy/Beautiful
That Night
Adventureland
Kill Bill
A Knight's Tale
& Others

I've been having fun watching these movies and listening to my Summer music playlist. Well, for now, that's all I have to say.

☮ -&- ♥

This is Manifesting!

Craziness. Wow. What a wonderful feeling. So, I have had a lot of lessons to learn within the past few days and I'm so super duper excited right now because I just had a very successful date with a woman who is 33 & I like her a lot. I'm so happy to have met her because it's very easy to talk with her and she's exactly what I'm looking for in terms of a dating companion. She may be 33, but I feel like as far as maturity level goes we are so similar. I might be wrong, but I trust enough to go forward and see what happens. This is where it get's fun because we just had our first date and we're making plans to see each other this coming week! Tonight, we went to grab some coffee & tea and then we walked to the park and relaxed near the grass and talked. I learned a bit about her and I like what I'm hearing from her! I'm so delighted to have met someone that I can spend time with and get to know while I am going through these lessons, especially because I have learned so much about myself since I have started dating women! She even kissed me! At first, I was taken aback because she asked me if she could give me a kiss and I didn't expect that! I said yes and I was happy to, but I felt so unprepared that I feel kind of bad that the moment was a little awkward. I'll get it next time around!


Shannon, the girl that went "M.I.A.", finally called me back!! I was so relieved to finally hear from her. She was, apparently, sick for an entire week and couldn't speak due to strep throat. Well, I had been struggling for longer than a week to get in touch, but I accepted her explanation and didn't question her too much. I still don't feel like I trust her too much, however, I am willing to give it another shot. She seems very sorry and she apologized about the misunderstanding -if that is what it was - and she acted like she truly wants to see me again. So, that being said I'm happy that I'm getting my I.D. back and it's a plus if our friendship grows from this point on. If I feel like she's not communicating herself enough or something is not going quite right than I'll confront her about it and that will be that. Just to get an explanation, for her to return my calls and to be getting my I.D. back is just a relief and total bonus in and of itself. I feel incredibly good!

This is what it's like to manifest your life. I asked for what I wanted, I worked to get it and now, I have it!

☮ -&- ♥

The Social Experiment

Okay. This may seem completely unethical on my part, but I did something that I don't plan on doing again. I created a fake male profile on the dating website that I use because I wanted to get some answers to some of the questions that I had: is it just as difficult for males to talk to females, as it is for me? I consider myself to be attractive, so I chose an attractive guy, not one who would be considered super super hot. Wow, I actually said that.

As a male, girls treat me differently. I messaged the same people that weren't talking with me and some that were and I got different responses. I'm still being ignored by a lot of females that I've messaged, which may lead me to assume that most females are very picky, but I also get a bigger more immediate response from those said few who are responding. Some of those that didn't respond to me when I was being myself, responded to "him". I can't help but wonder if most of the girls that are responding to me as a male are just more friendly than those that haven't responded at all. I mean, could it be possible that they're not messaging me more frequently because "I'm male", but simply because they feel like it? At the very least, I discovered that there is a lot more to this than I thought and I learned more about some of those that were ignoring me. Particularly, there is one girl that made plans with me, but has not responded about her "schedule". I messaged her as a guy and she told me/"him" that she always has free time. Not to mention that she likes males more. I've asked a few girls about this and, so far, I have received very generic bisexual responses: "50%-50%", "I don't have a favorite", "I like both", "It all depends", etc. This has been the social experiment and, I must say, I feel like I have accomplished a bit more than I expected. I am still very dissatisfied that there are so many girls that do not respond at all, but at least I can say that I learned from doing this :) I plan to delete this profile very soon. Now, I see how generalized this experiment was because it all depends on the person. Who's to say that some males aren't like this and a lot of females aren't like this? Everything depends on the meticulous, small and insignificant points of that person's dominant characteristics. I can't be that one-sided.

On the positive side, I have a date with someone tomorrow and I'm really excited about it. The instant we began talking I immediately liked her a lot. She gives off a very "feminine" (whatever that means, right?) and pleasant energy. I haven't been on a date in a few weeks, so this will be fun.

I filed a police report against the girl that stole my I.D. It's been almost a month and I'm thinking this is not cool. There is no excuse for this behavior. Hopefully, the police will deal with the entire situation because I have no idea how to handle it other than this. I don't even have transportation to get to her apartment. If I did I would have already tried that. So, I can safely say that I have learned from this experience and I will never ever hand over my I.D. to anyone that I don't know closely. Especially someone I'm dating. The more experiences I have, it seems the less trusting I become of people. I am cautious a lot of the time, but I'm not super careful when it comes to these things and I should be. I understand that.

I'm growing tired of the online game. For the past few weeks I've been "living" a lot more than I have in a while. Summer is here and I want to be actively participating in this life of mine. I don't want to deal with the bullshit of talking to people who give a shit less about me. What time have I for that?

Frustration

I feel like I have completely lost all faith in dating websites. That may sound silly to someone who has had a lot of experience with this or someone who has already figured this out, but I'm beginning to feel this way. Why are females so fake? Is it so difficult or unbearable to be honest? Why does every girl I speak to shy away with the least bit of frankness?

With men, it was soo much easier starting conversations and getting to know them. They seem much more easy going and simple-minded. Always without the meticulous complexities that I have found in females. What's the deal? Do guys have this same problem when it comes to dating females? Should it really be this frustrating?

For the past 2 months I have been on several dates with quite a few girls, but now there's nothing. It's like I'm suddenly completely unappealing to every girl that crosses my path (or in this case, profile). I feel like a phony whenever I send someone an online message because it seems to me like I can't simply say what I'm thinking without making an idiot out of myself. I have to be casual and a little misleading. I don't lie by any means, but to put it frankly, I don't think I can be completely straightforward without scaring everyone away.

Although this has caused me much discomfort and irritation, this is something that I still want to do. That is: encounter romance with a female, even though it wont be serious involvement. Share feelings with that person and discover the differences between female and male communication. Answer questions that I have: could I fall in love with a female just as easily as with a male? Or is the only attraction I have to females of a physical nature?

Well, I'm beginning to see just how annoying all this has become, so I think it's safe to say that I'm taking some time to not worry about it. I will probably come back soon to update my blog on a few of the dates that I've been on. Till then -

Peace ☮

Reasons

Perhaps I have it wrong, but I don't recall ever giving credit to why I have started this blog in the first place. I don't know if anybody cares enough about my experiences to read this, but I will explain anyway:

I started writing a blog because I thought this could really help me through a challenging point in my life. I don't have it all that bad, to be honest, but I'm always learning something new and things happen everyday. Since I began dating females, it inspired me to put my thoughts and experiences into words so that others can see what it's like. Maybe someone, somewhere understands the frustration that I'm going through with it and care enough to explain to me what I'm doing wrong. More than anything, it always helps to rant..even though some people don't like reading a whiny blog that someone whips up for their own sense of self satisfaction.

I have been talking with God only knows how many girls, yet not a single woman has arose. It's terribly disappointing that nothing has been consistent in my dating life. I had one sustaining date, but she stop calling and picking up the phone for reasons I can't explain. Should I just stop looking for a while? What I want from a "dating companion", so to speak, is someone to talk to and get to know, someone to debate with, someone who wants to randomly take drives to go sight seeing, or go to the movies, go swimming or just make drinks at home, someone to kiss and hold hands in the park with..nothing serious, but always romantic and willing to communicate her feelings with me. Is that a hard thing to find? I hope not.

I have come to realize that everyone is looking for something in their life. Whether that be a friend, a lover, a husband, a boyfriend, a "dating companion", or a threesome - I'm starting to think that humans are never satisfied. I mean, I am perfectly content with my life. I find happiness and joy in doing simple things like laughing with friends, taking baths, going for walks, swimming and getting sun burned, reading, writing and watching movies. I am not a particularly difficult person to please, but at the same time I am human and I do find myself aspiring for things just like everyone else.

It may sound selfish to some people, but I want to learn more about myself and I would like to have someone help me do that ~

Test

I did a little experiment yesterday and it revealed to me something that I had been wondering for the last few months.

On the dating website that I use, I instant messaged a few girls that were online. I messaged three girls, all of whom didn't say a word to me, although one did stop to look at my profile. After realizing that they weren't going to be getting back to me, I switched my "online view" to males and sent a message to three of the first ones that I saw. Every single one of them replied even though my profile states that I'm gay. Isn't that fascinating? Why the fear? I think I've discovered that, while I don't want a relationship at this time and I want to date women, it is much easier to date males. Why is that?

I don't understand it. It may not be easy, but it's not something that I'm not going to give up on just yet ;)

Here Goes Nothing. .

To start off with my experiences with this fragile matter, I would like to say that, as a woman, dating females is the most frustrating thing I have ever done.

This isn't because I feel the need to insist upon sexual stereotypes of any kind - I, for one, know those are not useful - but the reason for this is because it appears to be that most females that I contact and get in touch with online are very closed down. There is so much more meticulousness and caution involved in just talking with a female. In talking with males, I was never that cautious. It seemed much easier and more care free than starting conversation with females. I must say now that I have always enjoyed being female. I have not always felt "feminine", but I am not "butch" or a "dike". I always struggled in feeling like I belonged when glancing at other girls my age. Since that time, I have created a more individualized person out of myself and I am more social, but I am still quite unsure of my feminine side. This has made it very difficult for me to be involved with other females because, sometimes, I can't relate with them.

So far, I have been on 9 or 10 dates and I have met 6 girls. I started this "quest", if you will, a few months ago on a few reliable dating websites. For me, the dates have all been an enjoyable experience for me and I have learned a lot along the way. However, I have only met one girl that I have seen more consistently and we both like each other a lot. We are both exactly what we need in a "dating companion" and it's been great having fun together.

Perhaps the reason why I have not met many girls is because I am not interested in sex. I have encountered so many people online that are looking to have sex with other women, most interested in involving their man - it's ridiculous! I am not of that "kind". The only way that I feel comfortable in having sex with someone is if I am in love and care deeply for that person. If this is not why, than my only other idea is that I am unattractive. There, I said it. It comes out. Am I attractive enough?? I feel that I am plenty attractive. I know that I am beautiful, regardless that I have some work to do on my body. How attractive must I be to simply go on a date with someone? Are females that picky? I've dated, and would not mind dating more, girls that I have not found very attractive. I am more in this journey to learn more about myself and to experience what life has to offer me. I don't play games and I don't lead anyone on. I'm starting to think maybe that is what is scaring girls away.. nobody wants to hear it all out up front. Some people like to test others and play games. That is not what I am about. Do I scare females?