. . What?

What is going on? I met a girl that is very obviously interested in me & we've been seeing each other for a few months now. Suddenly, after one hell of a great night, I forget me I.D. at her house. When I realized that I had forgotten it, I almost thought nothing of it because I was sure I had nothing to worry about. Then, I found myself calling her for weeks with no response. Even leaving messages to let her know that I had forgotten it. Finally, she gets back to me with this bullshit story that I can't possibly believe, but I figure I really like her so I'll give her another shot anyway. I was curious to see where it would lead. We went out twice after this incident and I felt that everything (whatever had occurred) was going back to normal. She made no mention of feeling uncomfortable or angry with me. This is precisely why I am so confused because her calls have ceased (even though she told me she would call about a week ago) & she no longer responds to my messages: What could I have possibly done to make her angry with me? She always seems very enthusiastic to see me and spend time with me, not to mention her very flirty demeanor ;) I don't understand what it is that's bothering her. I don't know her very well, but it seems to me like she is the type to speak her mind. Why wouldn't she just tell me..instead of making empty promises?

I'm beginning to feel as though I am very tired of dating females. To be honest, the more time I spend with females the more I long for a male -_- Is that just what I am comfortable with? Is the obvious annoyances of female drama extracting me away from the desire of further exploration? Everyone has a different experience with females and males - this is because we are all different people and we meet different people...but obviously something is not fitting with my experience. Every girl that I have enjoyed seeing didn't seem to have the desire to continue seeing me. It was always different with guys...every guy that I enjoyed spending time with I spent more time with. There were no games (not usually).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the dates that I have been on & if I could find someone to date consistently, I would be ever more interested to meet her, but for now I'm beginning to lose hope of that happening (again?). I didn't really accomplish some of the things that I was looking for, which is why I'm a bit disappointed. I was hoping to: connect with someone intimately (not necessarily "romantically" which comes with the feelings and all), really get to know some people, spend time and have fun, find romance and test some of my boundaries which may, or may not be, creating a "comfort bubble".

Well, at the least, for now I have accomplished one or two of the above :)

I don't think I want to date guys though. Even after all this trouble, I still think I'm not comfortable with dating males just yet. I miss being romantic with a male by all means! I want a male in my life more than ever now, but I don't want to be serious with anyone right now and dating a male would threaten that wish, I'm sure of that.

Test

I did a little experiment yesterday and it revealed to me something that I had been wondering for the last few months.

On the dating website that I use, I instant messaged a few girls that were online. I messaged three girls, all of whom didn't say a word to me, although one did stop to look at my profile. After realizing that they weren't going to be getting back to me, I switched my "online view" to males and sent a message to three of the first ones that I saw. Every single one of them replied even though my profile states that I'm gay. Isn't that fascinating? Why the fear? I think I've discovered that, while I don't want a relationship at this time and I want to date women, it is much easier to date males. Why is that?

I don't understand it. It may not be easy, but it's not something that I'm not going to give up on just yet ;)

Here Goes Nothing. .

To start off with my experiences with this fragile matter, I would like to say that, as a woman, dating females is the most frustrating thing I have ever done.

This isn't because I feel the need to insist upon sexual stereotypes of any kind - I, for one, know those are not useful - but the reason for this is because it appears to be that most females that I contact and get in touch with online are very closed down. There is so much more meticulousness and caution involved in just talking with a female. In talking with males, I was never that cautious. It seemed much easier and more care free than starting conversation with females. I must say now that I have always enjoyed being female. I have not always felt "feminine", but I am not "butch" or a "dike". I always struggled in feeling like I belonged when glancing at other girls my age. Since that time, I have created a more individualized person out of myself and I am more social, but I am still quite unsure of my feminine side. This has made it very difficult for me to be involved with other females because, sometimes, I can't relate with them.

So far, I have been on 9 or 10 dates and I have met 6 girls. I started this "quest", if you will, a few months ago on a few reliable dating websites. For me, the dates have all been an enjoyable experience for me and I have learned a lot along the way. However, I have only met one girl that I have seen more consistently and we both like each other a lot. We are both exactly what we need in a "dating companion" and it's been great having fun together.

Perhaps the reason why I have not met many girls is because I am not interested in sex. I have encountered so many people online that are looking to have sex with other women, most interested in involving their man - it's ridiculous! I am not of that "kind". The only way that I feel comfortable in having sex with someone is if I am in love and care deeply for that person. If this is not why, than my only other idea is that I am unattractive. There, I said it. It comes out. Am I attractive enough?? I feel that I am plenty attractive. I know that I am beautiful, regardless that I have some work to do on my body. How attractive must I be to simply go on a date with someone? Are females that picky? I've dated, and would not mind dating more, girls that I have not found very attractive. I am more in this journey to learn more about myself and to experience what life has to offer me. I don't play games and I don't lead anyone on. I'm starting to think maybe that is what is scaring girls away.. nobody wants to hear it all out up front. Some people like to test others and play games. That is not what I am about. Do I scare females?