My date canceled our plans, but it's alright because we made new ones for later this week. I went swimming with a few buddies & then I came home and watched movies with a good friend of mine. So, it was actually a good day, regardless that some plans were canceled.
~
I didn't realize that I was "bi-curious" until a year ago when I started dating a bisexual guy. I found out, from his myspace page and, being the very curious and open-minded individual that I am, I asked him about it. I was very pleased to have met someone who could speak to me about their feelings for both genders, considering that I have always been curious about the idea. I was able to talk, openly, with him about other males & females. It was absolutely fascinating to me. So, I suppose, it was during that time when I came to realize that, I too, have always had an attraction to the same sex as well as the opposite sex. Needless to say, almost a year later I broke off our relationship due to personal reasons, but we are still great friends. After this break-up I discovered my desire to experiment and learn more about the attraction that I have for women. I want to stay out of a relationship while I work on myself, but until the time comes when I am truly ready to be with someone, I have decided to date females. I have not been dating males simply because I don't want to fall in love & I'm not ready to.
I never thought that dating females would be as frustrating as it has turned out to be. Every girl that I talked to, via an online dating website, seemed very flaky. To be fair, 75% of the people I messaged didn't even get back to me & those that did made it so difficult for me to talk with them that I only met a small handful of those individuals. With men, I would have been getting dates left and right & I don't say that out of arrogance. I say that out of experience. It took me a month or so to get my first date. Finally, when I did get a date she had been the one who emailed me. She blatantly asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee/tea sometime and I was excited that someone was asking me out! Before this, I had plans with another girl, but she was so busy that the plans were a ways in advance. I wanted a date for the meantime and I got myself one.
She had a strange name and I suspected that it wasn't her real one. On the phone, she wasn't as friendly as she was on the site and she seemed very awkward. We went to a small cafe here in town and she bought me a tall iced mocha. We made small talk and I learned a little bit about her. It was probably on this first date, sitting at a small table in tiny chairs, with a female who was half my size was when I realized that I have not been comfortable in my own body for a while. Regardless, I managed to feel more confident about myself than the vibes that I was picking up from her. She seemed so unsure of herself and very awkward somehow.
I made her laugh a few times, but mainly, it seemed that I was breaking her out of her reservations little inch by little inch. I couldn't understand how she could possibly behave so hesitantly and awkward when she had asked me out. There wasn't a lot of interest between the two of us at all - in fact, I knew that I would never hear from her again. I had come to the conclusion, by the end of it, that I was just glad to have had the experience regardless of what form it was going to come in.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
News and ☀ Summer Things..
I have great news! I was finally able to "recover" my California I.D. a few days ago. About a 1/2 an hour after my date on Tuesday she called! The next morning she came by and gave it to me. We talked for about twenty minutes (well, she talked mostly) and then she left to get to work, but we made plans to see each other this coming week. I told her to call me, so I'm actually hoping that she does because I would like to see where this can go. I'm interested to know if she really wants to continue seeing me. She seemed to be, but I can't be sure because her story has so many holes. She doesn't "owe" me anything, but at the same time, if she wants me to trust her she will have to earn that back. I would like to feel like I trust her again, but frankly, I can't help but feel a little bit like that companionship that we had was ruined, if not over altogether. I'll just have to find out ;)
I do have plans with Holly, the woman I went out with on Tuesday night. We're going swimming! I absolutely love Summer ~ I'm crazy about it, so these are perfect plans. We are still chatting here and there on the phone, so I'm positive that she is still interested ♥ it's so liberating to meet another person that wants to spend time with me. That may sound like I'm being insecure (and maybe I am a little), but it's been so rough just getting a date with a female that it's fantastic to see someone more consistently.
I have decided to decorate my room so that it feels more personal. I have started cleaning it yesterday and I still have work to do on it, but it's coming along. I want to buy those cute strings of Chinese paper lantern lights. I love those! I also want to put up more small wall shelves for candles, pretty stickers for the wall (although stickers are a mess when trying to get them off) etc. I want to buy more posters that interest me as well, but those are hard to find. I'm going on and on, I know, but this is a transition that I am making because I want to grow more in touch with my "feminine" material side. I need a balance of both spiritual and material & dating women has actually helped me to do that.
I also made a playlist of Summer songs & a list of Summer movies that I've been working on watching.
Music:
Cruel Summer by Ace of Base
Missing You by Black Eyed Peas
Stir It Up by Bob Marley
Sea of Love by Cat Power
Daylight by Chicane
Beautiful by Garbage
Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
& Others
Movies:
The In Crowd
The Sandlot
8 Days a Week
Blue Crush
Crazy/Beautiful
That Night
Adventureland
Kill Bill
A Knight's Tale
& Others
I've been having fun watching these movies and listening to my Summer music playlist. Well, for now, that's all I have to say.
☮ -&- ♥
I do have plans with Holly, the woman I went out with on Tuesday night. We're going swimming! I absolutely love Summer ~ I'm crazy about it, so these are perfect plans. We are still chatting here and there on the phone, so I'm positive that she is still interested ♥ it's so liberating to meet another person that wants to spend time with me. That may sound like I'm being insecure (and maybe I am a little), but it's been so rough just getting a date with a female that it's fantastic to see someone more consistently.
I have decided to decorate my room so that it feels more personal. I have started cleaning it yesterday and I still have work to do on it, but it's coming along. I want to buy those cute strings of Chinese paper lantern lights. I love those! I also want to put up more small wall shelves for candles, pretty stickers for the wall (although stickers are a mess when trying to get them off) etc. I want to buy more posters that interest me as well, but those are hard to find. I'm going on and on, I know, but this is a transition that I am making because I want to grow more in touch with my "feminine" material side. I need a balance of both spiritual and material & dating women has actually helped me to do that.
I also made a playlist of Summer songs & a list of Summer movies that I've been working on watching.
Music:
Cruel Summer by Ace of Base
Missing You by Black Eyed Peas
Stir It Up by Bob Marley
Sea of Love by Cat Power
Daylight by Chicane
Beautiful by Garbage
Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
& Others
Movies:
The In Crowd
The Sandlot
8 Days a Week
Blue Crush
Crazy/Beautiful
That Night
Adventureland
Kill Bill
A Knight's Tale
& Others
I've been having fun watching these movies and listening to my Summer music playlist. Well, for now, that's all I have to say.
☮ -&- ♥
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
This is Manifesting!
Craziness. Wow. What a wonderful feeling. So, I have had a lot of lessons to learn within the past few days and I'm so super duper excited right now because I just had a very successful date with a woman who is 33 & I like her a lot. I'm so happy to have met her because it's very easy to talk with her and she's exactly what I'm looking for in terms of a dating companion. She may be 33, but I feel like as far as maturity level goes we are so similar. I might be wrong, but I trust enough to go forward and see what happens. This is where it get's fun because we just had our first date and we're making plans to see each other this coming week! Tonight, we went to grab some coffee & tea and then we walked to the park and relaxed near the grass and talked. I learned a bit about her and I like what I'm hearing from her! I'm so delighted to have met someone that I can spend time with and get to know while I am going through these lessons, especially because I have learned so much about myself since I have started dating women! She even kissed me! At first, I was taken aback because she asked me if she could give me a kiss and I didn't expect that! I said yes and I was happy to, but I felt so unprepared that I feel kind of bad that the moment was a little awkward. I'll get it next time around!
Shannon, the girl that went "M.I.A.", finally called me back!! I was so relieved to finally hear from her. She was, apparently, sick for an entire week and couldn't speak due to strep throat. Well, I had been struggling for longer than a week to get in touch, but I accepted her explanation and didn't question her too much. I still don't feel like I trust her too much, however, I am willing to give it another shot. She seems very sorry and she apologized about the misunderstanding -if that is what it was - and she acted like she truly wants to see me again. So, that being said I'm happy that I'm getting my I.D. back and it's a plus if our friendship grows from this point on. If I feel like she's not communicating herself enough or something is not going quite right than I'll confront her about it and that will be that. Just to get an explanation, for her to return my calls and to be getting my I.D. back is just a relief and total bonus in and of itself. I feel incredibly good!
This is what it's like to manifest your life. I asked for what I wanted, I worked to get it and now, I have it!
☮ -&- ♥
Shannon, the girl that went "M.I.A.", finally called me back!! I was so relieved to finally hear from her. She was, apparently, sick for an entire week and couldn't speak due to strep throat. Well, I had been struggling for longer than a week to get in touch, but I accepted her explanation and didn't question her too much. I still don't feel like I trust her too much, however, I am willing to give it another shot. She seems very sorry and she apologized about the misunderstanding -if that is what it was - and she acted like she truly wants to see me again. So, that being said I'm happy that I'm getting my I.D. back and it's a plus if our friendship grows from this point on. If I feel like she's not communicating herself enough or something is not going quite right than I'll confront her about it and that will be that. Just to get an explanation, for her to return my calls and to be getting my I.D. back is just a relief and total bonus in and of itself. I feel incredibly good!
This is what it's like to manifest your life. I asked for what I wanted, I worked to get it and now, I have it!
☮ -&- ♥
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Social Experiment
Okay. This may seem completely unethical on my part, but I did something that I don't plan on doing again. I created a fake male profile on the dating website that I use because I wanted to get some answers to some of the questions that I had: is it just as difficult for males to talk to females, as it is for me? I consider myself to be attractive, so I chose an attractive guy, not one who would be considered super super hot. Wow, I actually said that.
As a male, girls treat me differently. I messaged the same people that weren't talking with me and some that were and I got different responses. I'm still being ignored by a lot of females that I've messaged, which may lead me to assume that most females are very picky, but I also get a bigger more immediate response from those said few who are responding. Some of those that didn't respond to me when I was being myself, responded to "him". I can't help but wonder if most of the girls that are responding to me as a male are just more friendly than those that haven't responded at all. I mean, could it be possible that they're not messaging me more frequently because "I'm male", but simply because they feel like it? At the very least, I discovered that there is a lot more to this than I thought and I learned more about some of those that were ignoring me. Particularly, there is one girl that made plans with me, but has not responded about her "schedule". I messaged her as a guy and she told me/"him" that she always has free time. Not to mention that she likes males more. I've asked a few girls about this and, so far, I have received very generic bisexual responses: "50%-50%", "I don't have a favorite", "I like both", "It all depends", etc. This has been the social experiment and, I must say, I feel like I have accomplished a bit more than I expected. I am still very dissatisfied that there are so many girls that do not respond at all, but at least I can say that I learned from doing this :) I plan to delete this profile very soon. Now, I see how generalized this experiment was because it all depends on the person. Who's to say that some males aren't like this and a lot of females aren't like this? Everything depends on the meticulous, small and insignificant points of that person's dominant characteristics. I can't be that one-sided.
On the positive side, I have a date with someone tomorrow and I'm really excited about it. The instant we began talking I immediately liked her a lot. She gives off a very "feminine" (whatever that means, right?) and pleasant energy. I haven't been on a date in a few weeks, so this will be fun.
I filed a police report against the girl that stole my I.D. It's been almost a month and I'm thinking this is not cool. There is no excuse for this behavior. Hopefully, the police will deal with the entire situation because I have no idea how to handle it other than this. I don't even have transportation to get to her apartment. If I did I would have already tried that. So, I can safely say that I have learned from this experience and I will never ever hand over my I.D. to anyone that I don't know closely. Especially someone I'm dating. The more experiences I have, it seems the less trusting I become of people. I am cautious a lot of the time, but I'm not super careful when it comes to these things and I should be. I understand that.
I'm growing tired of the online game. For the past few weeks I've been "living" a lot more than I have in a while. Summer is here and I want to be actively participating in this life of mine. I don't want to deal with the bullshit of talking to people who give a shit less about me. What time have I for that?
As a male, girls treat me differently. I messaged the same people that weren't talking with me and some that were and I got different responses. I'm still being ignored by a lot of females that I've messaged, which may lead me to assume that most females are very picky, but I also get a bigger more immediate response from those said few who are responding. Some of those that didn't respond to me when I was being myself, responded to "him". I can't help but wonder if most of the girls that are responding to me as a male are just more friendly than those that haven't responded at all. I mean, could it be possible that they're not messaging me more frequently because "I'm male", but simply because they feel like it? At the very least, I discovered that there is a lot more to this than I thought and I learned more about some of those that were ignoring me. Particularly, there is one girl that made plans with me, but has not responded about her "schedule". I messaged her as a guy and she told me/"him" that she always has free time. Not to mention that she likes males more. I've asked a few girls about this and, so far, I have received very generic bisexual responses: "50%-50%", "I don't have a favorite", "I like both", "It all depends", etc. This has been the social experiment and, I must say, I feel like I have accomplished a bit more than I expected. I am still very dissatisfied that there are so many girls that do not respond at all, but at least I can say that I learned from doing this :) I plan to delete this profile very soon. Now, I see how generalized this experiment was because it all depends on the person. Who's to say that some males aren't like this and a lot of females aren't like this? Everything depends on the meticulous, small and insignificant points of that person's dominant characteristics. I can't be that one-sided.
On the positive side, I have a date with someone tomorrow and I'm really excited about it. The instant we began talking I immediately liked her a lot. She gives off a very "feminine" (whatever that means, right?) and pleasant energy. I haven't been on a date in a few weeks, so this will be fun.
I filed a police report against the girl that stole my I.D. It's been almost a month and I'm thinking this is not cool. There is no excuse for this behavior. Hopefully, the police will deal with the entire situation because I have no idea how to handle it other than this. I don't even have transportation to get to her apartment. If I did I would have already tried that. So, I can safely say that I have learned from this experience and I will never ever hand over my I.D. to anyone that I don't know closely. Especially someone I'm dating. The more experiences I have, it seems the less trusting I become of people. I am cautious a lot of the time, but I'm not super careful when it comes to these things and I should be. I understand that.
I'm growing tired of the online game. For the past few weeks I've been "living" a lot more than I have in a while. Summer is here and I want to be actively participating in this life of mine. I don't want to deal with the bullshit of talking to people who give a shit less about me. What time have I for that?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Frustration
I feel like I have completely lost all faith in dating websites. That may sound silly to someone who has had a lot of experience with this or someone who has already figured this out, but I'm beginning to feel this way. Why are females so fake? Is it so difficult or unbearable to be honest? Why does every girl I speak to shy away with the least bit of frankness?
With men, it was soo much easier starting conversations and getting to know them. They seem much more easy going and simple-minded. Always without the meticulous complexities that I have found in females. What's the deal? Do guys have this same problem when it comes to dating females? Should it really be this frustrating?
For the past 2 months I have been on several dates with quite a few girls, but now there's nothing. It's like I'm suddenly completely unappealing to every girl that crosses my path (or in this case, profile). I feel like a phony whenever I send someone an online message because it seems to me like I can't simply say what I'm thinking without making an idiot out of myself. I have to be casual and a little misleading. I don't lie by any means, but to put it frankly, I don't think I can be completely straightforward without scaring everyone away.
Although this has caused me much discomfort and irritation, this is something that I still want to do. That is: encounter romance with a female, even though it wont be serious involvement. Share feelings with that person and discover the differences between female and male communication. Answer questions that I have: could I fall in love with a female just as easily as with a male? Or is the only attraction I have to females of a physical nature?
Well, I'm beginning to see just how annoying all this has become, so I think it's safe to say that I'm taking some time to not worry about it. I will probably come back soon to update my blog on a few of the dates that I've been on. Till then -
Peace ☮
With men, it was soo much easier starting conversations and getting to know them. They seem much more easy going and simple-minded. Always without the meticulous complexities that I have found in females. What's the deal? Do guys have this same problem when it comes to dating females? Should it really be this frustrating?
For the past 2 months I have been on several dates with quite a few girls, but now there's nothing. It's like I'm suddenly completely unappealing to every girl that crosses my path (or in this case, profile). I feel like a phony whenever I send someone an online message because it seems to me like I can't simply say what I'm thinking without making an idiot out of myself. I have to be casual and a little misleading. I don't lie by any means, but to put it frankly, I don't think I can be completely straightforward without scaring everyone away.
Although this has caused me much discomfort and irritation, this is something that I still want to do. That is: encounter romance with a female, even though it wont be serious involvement. Share feelings with that person and discover the differences between female and male communication. Answer questions that I have: could I fall in love with a female just as easily as with a male? Or is the only attraction I have to females of a physical nature?
Well, I'm beginning to see just how annoying all this has become, so I think it's safe to say that I'm taking some time to not worry about it. I will probably come back soon to update my blog on a few of the dates that I've been on. Till then -
Peace ☮
Reasons
Perhaps I have it wrong, but I don't recall ever giving credit to why I have started this blog in the first place. I don't know if anybody cares enough about my experiences to read this, but I will explain anyway:
I started writing a blog because I thought this could really help me through a challenging point in my life. I don't have it all that bad, to be honest, but I'm always learning something new and things happen everyday. Since I began dating females, it inspired me to put my thoughts and experiences into words so that others can see what it's like. Maybe someone, somewhere understands the frustration that I'm going through with it and care enough to explain to me what I'm doing wrong. More than anything, it always helps to rant..even though some people don't like reading a whiny blog that someone whips up for their own sense of self satisfaction.
I have been talking with God only knows how many girls, yet not a single woman has arose. It's terribly disappointing that nothing has been consistent in my dating life. I had one sustaining date, but she stop calling and picking up the phone for reasons I can't explain. Should I just stop looking for a while? What I want from a "dating companion", so to speak, is someone to talk to and get to know, someone to debate with, someone who wants to randomly take drives to go sight seeing, or go to the movies, go swimming or just make drinks at home, someone to kiss and hold hands in the park with..nothing serious, but always romantic and willing to communicate her feelings with me. Is that a hard thing to find? I hope not.
I have come to realize that everyone is looking for something in their life. Whether that be a friend, a lover, a husband, a boyfriend, a "dating companion", or a threesome - I'm starting to think that humans are never satisfied. I mean, I am perfectly content with my life. I find happiness and joy in doing simple things like laughing with friends, taking baths, going for walks, swimming and getting sun burned, reading, writing and watching movies. I am not a particularly difficult person to please, but at the same time I am human and I do find myself aspiring for things just like everyone else.
It may sound selfish to some people, but I want to learn more about myself and I would like to have someone help me do that ~
I started writing a blog because I thought this could really help me through a challenging point in my life. I don't have it all that bad, to be honest, but I'm always learning something new and things happen everyday. Since I began dating females, it inspired me to put my thoughts and experiences into words so that others can see what it's like. Maybe someone, somewhere understands the frustration that I'm going through with it and care enough to explain to me what I'm doing wrong. More than anything, it always helps to rant..even though some people don't like reading a whiny blog that someone whips up for their own sense of self satisfaction.
I have been talking with God only knows how many girls, yet not a single woman has arose. It's terribly disappointing that nothing has been consistent in my dating life. I had one sustaining date, but she stop calling and picking up the phone for reasons I can't explain. Should I just stop looking for a while? What I want from a "dating companion", so to speak, is someone to talk to and get to know, someone to debate with, someone who wants to randomly take drives to go sight seeing, or go to the movies, go swimming or just make drinks at home, someone to kiss and hold hands in the park with..nothing serious, but always romantic and willing to communicate her feelings with me. Is that a hard thing to find? I hope not.
I have come to realize that everyone is looking for something in their life. Whether that be a friend, a lover, a husband, a boyfriend, a "dating companion", or a threesome - I'm starting to think that humans are never satisfied. I mean, I am perfectly content with my life. I find happiness and joy in doing simple things like laughing with friends, taking baths, going for walks, swimming and getting sun burned, reading, writing and watching movies. I am not a particularly difficult person to please, but at the same time I am human and I do find myself aspiring for things just like everyone else.
It may sound selfish to some people, but I want to learn more about myself and I would like to have someone help me do that ~
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
M.I.A & Flaking - A Girl Drama.
It's been 11 days since I have heard from Shannon, the girl that I have been seeing consistently. We had plans to go dancing at her friend's DJ Mix party last Saturday, but she never called. I'm terribly disappointed with her behavior. I have called her numerous times, at first making excuses for her that she might be busy, at work, or unable to answer the phone, but if there's been one thing that I've learned about her so far it's been that she was always able to get back to me, even when she was at work. I don't understand what I did wrong. At first, I was really hurt that she was avoiding me, now I'm just very disappointed and a little angry. I did nothing wrong to deserve this treatment, so why then must I endure it?? I, at least, thought she would have the balls to pick up the phone and be honest with me about what she was feeling. Now she's just a coward.
To make matters worse, I forgot to get my California I.D back from her before heading home the last time I saw her. She was holding it for me when we were at the bar and I was so wasted I didn't think much about it. I realize I can always go get another one, but it makes me angry to think that I should allow myself to be treated like this, especially by someone who has something of mine. It's not fair.
I thought she was someone I could trust. I never thought that she would do this to me. Regardless of the fact that both of us were not interested in something serious, I still considered her to be a friend. What I can say now is that I did learn a lot from this experience. It's not worth trusting someone you don't know until you're sure about their intentions and the way they might react. It's within your best interests to simply be cautious, but not too suspicious. At this point, whatever excuse she may have I wouldn't accept from her, although I would forgive. All I expect is an apology and the I.D back. I would not have any plans to go out with her again even if she DID come up with a good excuse. I'm no sucker and if she doesn't have any plans to return my calls and let me know what's going on with her than she doesn't deserve anyone in her life until she's capable of that.
To make matters worse, I forgot to get my California I.D back from her before heading home the last time I saw her. She was holding it for me when we were at the bar and I was so wasted I didn't think much about it. I realize I can always go get another one, but it makes me angry to think that I should allow myself to be treated like this, especially by someone who has something of mine. It's not fair.
I thought she was someone I could trust. I never thought that she would do this to me. Regardless of the fact that both of us were not interested in something serious, I still considered her to be a friend. What I can say now is that I did learn a lot from this experience. It's not worth trusting someone you don't know until you're sure about their intentions and the way they might react. It's within your best interests to simply be cautious, but not too suspicious. At this point, whatever excuse she may have I wouldn't accept from her, although I would forgive. All I expect is an apology and the I.D back. I would not have any plans to go out with her again even if she DID come up with a good excuse. I'm no sucker and if she doesn't have any plans to return my calls and let me know what's going on with her than she doesn't deserve anyone in her life until she's capable of that.
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