Men Scare Me.

So. . . .I have realized, due to some further observation and testing, that I am utterly not ready for a relationship, nor am I in any comfortable position to date a man/guy/boy. Why? I ask myself. I don't know. Perhaps because I am still in a personal search for my own enlightenment and growth. How am I to feel capable or to claim even the slightest bit of adoration for someone, when I know I have yet to claim that for myself? Perhaps, this is simply because I was going through the process of "mourning" from my previous relationship and I interrupted my progress when I got committed again with my ex. Or, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship due to many different things.

Honestly, I wish I understood this more. .

Like White On Rice.

This is interesting. I decided to do a little test. I posted an ad on a personal's website and within an hour of that post I received 10 replies all from guys trying to take me out. Here are the results:

- A guy named Ricardo who lives very close to my town "I have a good sense of humor and am a good listener."
-Someone named Jeff who lives about 45 min. away "I'm a pretty normal guy and somewhat of a geek"
- A guy named Paul, didn't disclose his location "im a little insecure right now"
- Andy, user name "Optimus Prime" (seriously?), didn't disclose age or location "looking to enjoy my summer and meet new friends"
- John, "Please call me -"
- Rod, 26, very near to my town "this date would be on me of course. ;-)"
- Matt, 35, "would you be intersted?" although he includes no information about himself. .
- Anonymous from my area "Hope to hear back"
- Anonymous, "I'm nice looking, in good shape, clean and disease free"
- Anonymous guy, "tall, attractive, older male, who gets along very well with younger people!" (Wow, I feel like I could be his granddaughter)

I wasn't able to find pictures on any of their emails, but a few. Physically, they're not what I'm looking for, not that I even felt I was going anywhere with this. I was testing the waters - seeing if anyone would respond. What mystifies me the most is that these guys don't even know what I look like & yet they jump on the "non-serious" status like white on rice. What if I was a chubby 28 year old with two kids? Would they be so interested still? Or do most guys just take what they can get? Am I generalizing?

Either way, I'm happy to know that I am learning new things and that I can get a date with a nice fellow if I decide to get out there ;-)

Still "Bi-curious"

OOookkkayy! I'm going to do it! I think I have decided that I want to date a guy. My curiosity for girls and getting to know them (not to mention dealing with all the drama and games involved) can only last so long. I still want to figure out where I stand on sexuality, but for now I just want a few dates with a cute guy ;-D Is that shallow? No, because that is just what I want right now for this moment. That's okay because I have never done this before. This is the first time I have dated anyone without the intention of a serious romantic relationship.

Any questions..?

It's A New Day ~

Hello all, whom it may concern. A lot has changed within the past few days! I'm so excited because I'm learning a lot about myself, even though it is not all positive things, but I'm beginning to grow and come out of my slump where I felt "stuck".

I decided that I wasn't going to waste anymore energy on someone, who obviously is much more interested in herself, trying to make her a true friend. If I can't rely on her than that's all there is to say. I adore her and I sincerely hope that we will always know each other and grow from one another, but there are needs that I have that I simply don't see her fulfilling. That may have sounded utterly inappropriate, but really what I mean is that some of the things that I expect from a friend - she doesn't supply. I posted an ad online and I've gotten some responses. I even went to the Steve Miller concert on Saturday. It was fantastic! I wasn't even aware that I liked Steve Miller so much before this concert. He's an activist!

So, this girl that I met is great. We have quite a bit in common and she's fun to talk with. I'm manifesting a friend for myself and I don't know if this is the one that I'm looking for, but time will tell when it's right ;-]

A Summer Disappointment

Man. I have been a little isolated for the past week or so due to some health issues that arose. I haven't been able to get out and go jogging or go swimming, which I find to be very enjoyable during the summer weather.

Now that I'm out of my slump I'm so looking forward to what I might do this Summer, after all, I've been manifesting that this will be a great Summer. So, for the past few months my friend and I have been planning to get together with another friend of mine and go to the Lake and have a BBQ and swim. I was especially excited because it wasn't just going to be the three of us, she was also going to bring her brother and her brother's boyfriend (they're both really cool). It's very hard for her to make a solid plan and because of that it's been taking a while to sit her down and talk about what we can do. The more that I've gotten her to talk with me about it the more that it sounds like she's not even going to go. I don't understand why. When we first talked about it - she was all for it and she seemed really excited and that made me so thrilled! Then she told me, which she hadn't mentioned before when I told her that I wanted her brother to come, that she wouldn't feel comfortable, nor would she attend if her brother was. I was confused. Tonight we went to the park and practiced some yoga and meditation and I was able to talk with her about it. She seemed to be a little unsure at first, but then she made it clear to me that she doesn't even "do" what I have been wanting us all to do. HOw could she not just tell me that before? Why didn't she? She doesn't "mix" friends and she refuses to go with her brother.

I had this dream for the summer...to gather with a small group of people that I really adore and just have fun at the Lake! Now, I'm thinking that it wont even happen. . . If it does it wont be the same without her.

I Figured It Out!!

So, I finally understand what has created so much frustration from the dating scene: Women are shallow! I'm generalizing, obviously, but I'm 100% sure that this is why I have not been getting responses. It's disgusting that all these girls think that they're fooling me. At this point, I have heard all the excuses! I'm not dealing with that anymore. I've decided that this is my life and I know what I want out of this experience. Why play around and try to be honest with people that aren't opening their minds enough to consider my feelings? I'm no liar, but if I'm going to continue playing this dating game I've got to play it right.

This may not sound ethical to some people, but it makes perfect sense to learn how to do it from all this experience. I'm still not quite "back" in the dating world, because I haven't seen someone in a few weeks, but I do plan on getting back out there within the next week or so.

Just for a laugh, here are some of the excuses that I've heard in the past:
-"I met someone and I connect with her better than with you"
-"I'm in Texas!"
-"Work is so crazy right now!"
-"I had strep throat for a week and couldn't answer my phone!"
-"Oh, my internet has been out!"
-"I'm visiting with my family. I'm sorry I haven't seen them in so long"
-"I'm moving"
-"I have no time!" & "Life is so busy right now" etc. etc.

A Question On Love

As I have taken such a drastic step back from being involved in romantic relationships I have began to really wonder about something:

How is it possible to truly love someone completely and without fault? Sure, in relationships, you gain your companion's trust and respect is earned, but is that true love? How can one person establish such a true relationship with another? How do you love someone for everything that they do and "are" as well as what they bring into the relationship? What makes a true love relationship any different from a common everyday relationship, such as a Mother, Father, or even an acquaintance? Why can't we, as human beings, share more of our love with everyone, instead of just that one person whom we consider to be a "soul mate"? This is not to say that I am speaking of polygamy (not that there is anything wrong with polygamy), by any means, but I am talking about all kinds of love for everyone. Yes, everyone. Is it possible that this true love is really a focus for all of that love that every human being has for everyone, unknowingly? There's a big part of me that doesn't want to love someone more than anyone else, even at 13 I never thought that idea was very fair.

The question is: how would I gain that balance, but still find that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with?